Beyond all hope, beyond all possibility my Sharkey has sprung back to full life! I am so happy. He’s gone from minutes to death to normal health as I cared for him, watched him, cleaned him, I gave him his medicine and I spoke to him and he has responded like the amazing goldfish he is!! God, I need to get out more!

On another note, my colleague has trusted me with her plants. I warned her that I am great with animals but rubbish with plants. I kill them. I don’t intend to, I really don’t, but there is something in me that completely blocks my mind to think that plants need to be fed too. If a cat is hungry it will annoy the hell out of me so much that I can’t ignore it. If a plant is hungry it wilts a bit, but I don’t notice until it’s too late.

My colleague's brother grew her these tomato plants and they normally stand proudly on her balcony. She has gone on holiday and is so deeply attached to these sodding plants that she held me at gun point to take care of them for her. I was only expecting one little tomato plant and in she walks with an entire nursery I have to care for! What am I supposed to do? If I kill them she will go mad, but worse than that, she will be very emotional about the whole thing which will be no fault of my own. Alright maybe a little of my fault, but I did say I wasn’t very good at it.

I got home from work tonight and the precious tomato plant (unsurprisingly called Tommy) was not very happy. I don’t know why, we have had torrential rain for the past 2 weeks and it’s been reasonably humid. Alright the frost, arctic wind and lack of sun may have had a little impact, but I can’t be held responsible for that. Bit worried though. I asked if one plant died and I replaced it with one the same size would that be OK, and her words were “I KNOW EVERY F**KING TOMATO, EVERY LEAF AND EVERY LITTLE STEM OF THAT PLANT, SO DON’T EVEN TRY IT!” Tut, I only asked…!

Here’s another situation I got myself into. For some reason, I don’t know why, I decided to mention to my boss about how much I love art and that I am not bad at it. Well I used to be much better at it and that is becoming evident in my new project… My boss is buying a new house and I said as a very personal house warming gift I would paint her a picture. In principal it all sounded good, I was very excited to have a new project to concentrate on as I was getting bored of doing things for myself and my parents, so, enthusiastically I have embraced my new canvas… not literally, obviously. I sketched it all out and have so far done the first base coat of half of it. I think it looks OK, but I’m no fine artist. With my attention to detail and need for things be perfect and tidy it is like a piece of magazine print which I know she will hate, so I have to work out a way of making it still look abstract, but also messy to appeal to her…mm... creative mind!. Not sure how I am going to cope with that, I am already feeling over anxious that my dining room now looks like an art studio and is as cluttered as one! My poor mojo!!

Well on a work note, it has been the 2 weeks from hell. Actually it has been a great 2 weeks, just stupidly busy. We had a scary pre-audit take place which we thought we had done everything for. I happily accepted my invitation for the audit interview which at first seemed pretty straight forward. She asked me everything but the colour of my underwear and I think that may have been next on the list if I hadn’t made such a speedy exit! Been a little stressful since this trying to get everything in place for the double scary audit in a couple of months. Maybe I will go commando for that one just in case, it will make the answers easier!!

There was a bit of a calamity with another colleague and a shoe incident yesterday. A text come through to me saying “sorry, I’m going to be late, shoe fell off, sat in gutter, ran for bus but missed it, there soon…” Very intriguing and sounded strangely like the sort of texts I would get from my boss. Such as going on holiday to relax to text me to say that they messed up her room bookings, she got locked in one of the rooms and had to be rescued, she had to spend thousands more to move to another room and then to another hotel, that 3 visits to the doctors was required and that the Doctor thinks she fancies him…etc! I think it is catching!

Anyway, back to the shoe thing. The problem was with a strap that fell off so her shoe wouldn’t stay on. The incident occurred when hurriedly crossing the road to avoid being hit by a lorry which then required some speedy hopping to the other side resulting in a plummet to the gutter and the entire bus stop laughing at her! This is the person that when embarrassed has a tendency to faint, so that was my first concern when I got the text (after laughing hysterically at her misfortune!). Sitting in the gutter embarrassed and bruised whilst being laughed at in the rain on the way to the office, is probably not the best time or place to faint! She made it in shortly after avoiding the learner bus driver and we went about a fix for the shoe. Finally a paper clip twisted into the button hole did the trick which luckily enough could double up as a lightning conductor earthing device. Something that she could be thankful for as we all watched the flats in front of the office get struck by lightning and see the top of the roof fall off! It kept 3000 people in the office occupied as we all watched the fire service come and sort it out. The little things!

I also think I have put on at least 2 stone in the past 2 weeks as at least 6 people have celebrated their Birthday, plus one wedding and one departure. It has also made me very poor. I really don’t need to be eating so much crap, I’m fat enough as it is without an additional 3 inch layer of chocolate lard being deposited in my arse. Oh well, guess you only live once!

I got home tonight and my beautiful Sharkey, the Goldfish I have had for 9 years, is what I would call ‘critically’ ill.

Sharkey was bought for me when I lived with my friend in the 2nd year of university. He has moved house with me 4 times since, jumped out of the tank twice and got swiped by one of my cats before I got down to pick him up, and he survived the attack!

He has taken pride of place in his own tank away from the main 50 gallon aquarium because every friend we gave him (including George), he ate. He grew big and he does have a personality, if only a little one. He has a 6 month memory (not 3 seconds according to the myth). I am a cold and fresh water fish guru, with fish breeding and fry rearing ability don’t you know!!

Anyway, he recognises me, kisses my finger (OK yeah he thinks it’s food, but I like to think of it as kissing), he recognises the food pot and tells me when he wants feeding. That’s all I would expect.

Yes call me geek, I have already been called an anorak today (I won’t forget!), so really it doesn’t matter. I love my Sharkey and now I am observing the end of his eventful 9 year life. I have shed a few tears tonight as it is a bit of an end of an era for me and all that mean cold horrible husband of mine did, was laugh! He is a very valuable pet to me, and whilst I could go and get another one for £5, they won’t be Sharkey and I’m emotional, so I am incredibly sad about it. That’s all I have to say on the matter. [Sigh].

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I find more and more that I am ruled by time. Not just that actually, but that now it is starting to annoy me and my view on time is changing.

I am dictated to by technology almost every minute of my day. When I wake up, when I go to bed (i.e. nothing worth watching on TV!), my diary pop ups telling me where I should have been 10 minutes before, life or death tasks that must be completed by X day or the whole world will collapse without that sodding Excel report. I’ll give you a f-ing Excel report! Seriously, where has the human element of trust gone? No longer can you kindly walk to someone, meet them face to face (yeah, face to face, remember that?!), ask them nicely in a friendly tone and trust that support will be given within a timeframe, give or take a day or two. No, now you do it all by technology. Send an email of what is required and a diary invite for when delivery must be received. If you are really tight to time and fail to deliver by the outlook pop up, you could be lucky enough to receive a text message notifying you that your P45 will be posted and you have been fired! What has the world come to?!

Continuing with the subject of time, I just don’t feel I have any. When in reality, I probably have a bit more than most as I don’t have kids yet. I probably do it to myself, I like to plan, I like to have things organised and it’s not unusual for my husband and I to have the next couple of months of weekends and things to do sorted out. I don’t like not knowing, I hate surprises, I book my holidays a year in advance, I’m not particularly spontaneous and going off plan annoys me. Yet I can still moan about time I hear you say! Absolutely, there is a difference. My time (non at work time) is fine to be organised because that’s what I like doing and normally it is things I really want to do. I guess what I am really saying is that if I choose to do something exciting it’s alright, but if it is chosen for me and involves Microsoft, it’s taking my time away! Yeah OK, it’s called a career and that’s life, I get it.

Another thing with time, is that it’s really valuable and surprisingly, there is only so much of it. I like not to have many regrets about how it is spent, so watching a role play for an hour then having to hear the exact same thing played over a tape recorder can irritate me slightly. Especially when the vibrations coming from my Blackberry tell me I am missing other vitally important deadlines putting me just a little closer to that text message!

Well with the ticking time and the whole thirtyness thing, next year I will enter the dreaded decade, probably one of the scariest and busiest decades of my life and will have to say goodbye to my twenties. In the 20’s you can be forgiven more, ‘she’s still young’ ‘lots of development’ ‘she’ll learn’. In the 30’s all is not forgiven. At 20 you can turn up late for parties and look cool or at worst have eyes rolled at you then it’s immediately forgotten. At 30 if you turn up late to anything you just seem to be considered unreliable, boring, under the thumb or a mother! I hate being late for anything, now I am, and that’s all I need. Whilst there are many things I would like to be when turning 30, being 3 stone heavier and ante-nataled up is definitely not one of them. Time may be disappearing, but I don’t intend to waste it being the sensible Debbie I am always labelled. If only people got to know me and I would talk more!

In summary to my time dilemma, there are chances worth taking sometimes and I have had many reminders of this recently. Whilst the path of least resistance sounds great in principal and may have been one I adopted in my early 20’s, it’s not one I think I can get away with in my 30’s. Time to grow up unfortunately!

Well I guess we all need these. I’m not talking about the irritating loud music that bellows at 5.45am every morning bringing in swarms (or gaggle not sure of the correct term!) of cats onto our bed in excited anticipation of them being fed before we get ready for work. No, I’m talking about wake up calls in the context of work.

Every now again I need a bit of a kicking, OK, gentle prod. I’m only human and I’d like to think that I’m not the only one, but it is review time and I need it. I admit that sometimes my confidence does plummet, though I have no idea what the triggers are and on occasions I need reassurance. I do like to feel I’m loved sometimes, except when I’ve got a headache! But here I am, I’m getting what I need and will pick myself up. I have to stop stressing about my personal life and taking it to work. This in itself I can normally do and while I managed to park one of my personal concerns for another day, a reminder of times I would love to forget came back.

I went on a dignity at work course. Not because I have no dignity obviously… Daniel took that! I wanted a refresher. I went along looking forward to doing something different and hearing about some interesting cases and then something happened… we got onto bullying and sexual harassment and all these terrible memories from my last boss came flooding back. For every case example the trainer gave I had one just as bad. If only I had the benefit of HR or someone to turn to for support. What do you do when it was the MD doing all these things, the person you are meant to look up to, the person you want most to learn from and be like… what then? Why couldn’t I just have walked away sooner, why didn’t I have the courage to face up to it directly, why was I so withdrawn and quiet about it? How dare he take away my confidence and make me work in such a fearful environment. Who the hell did he think he was?

I’m not one to hold a grudge, actually that is a complete lie, I do hold grudges though really only two; one against this man and more importantly against myself for letting myself down. That’s right, I hold a grudge against myself. How ridiculous. I was far better than that, I was good at my job, I was better at his job, I was the shoulder for everyone else being shouted at and humiliated and I kept his business afloat while he was off cheating on his wife. The one thing he used to say that would make me cringe more than anything was the consideration that I was “his right hand.” Gross, there’s no f*cking way you’re having any hand was my usual thought! It wasn’t meant in that context…. but based on his behaviour anything he said usually had a dual meaning and meant jack shit.

To this day I still kick myself about not being stronger to deal with it sooner. I dealt with it in the end and left to join the company I love today. And when I hear the same things come up about what I need to improve I could just kick myself for letting my confidence slip and my voice disappear, I owe myself much more than to stagnate and not grow. It’s all my fault and I need to change, so I will, I promise.

So after a day of depressing reminders, and forgetting my parents anniversary (it’s been a really bad week!), I went to my best friends for dinner. She is so great, she always knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh. She knows everything about me it’s quite frightening how much we share, especially the love for Dolly Parton! There aren’t many people I can share that with that’s for sure!

A wonderful holiday over for another oooh…4 months until we go to Dubai! This was a fabulous holiday, in fact one of the best we have had. We were able to go away not having to worry about whether our jobs will still be there when we get back, whether my parents illnesses will be OK for 2 weeks and not suddenly get worse, whether the cats will survive the ordeal of us leaving them (obviously they are distraught) and whether our fish will cope with no human company. Alright so that is taking it too far, but you know what I mean. We had no real worries so could totally relax.

We arrived in Mexico to a really amazing 5 star hotel, complete luxury with the sound of silence from no screaming children; I was totally sold just walking into reception. Starting with our room it was a massive practically double king size bed that was so high I needed a ladder to get onto it and it was a 4 poster with beautiful netting, it was so pretty. Something quite special about 4 posters I find, not sure if it has anything to do with reminiscing about our engagement party and the hotel we stayed in that evening, but it was fab! Next to the bed was a massive Jacuzzi with a fridge full of alcohol. Perfect. Then we found out that the food was amazing posh nosh and as I was eating for three at least a month before we went on holiday it was quite satisfying to find a load of rather well fed fellows from across the pond also doing the same, so I didn’t feel out of place. Then I found out that they had a chocolate fountain in one of the restaurants for breakfast, so that was me sorted for the rest of the holiday! Quite disgusting, but I didn’t care.

It was so great to go away and just be with my husband. I know I see him all the time but we don’t spend enough quality time together and it makes me appreciate everything I really love him for that I often take for granted. The one thing that does drive me mad though are couples that go on holiday and are desperate to meet and become friends with anyone to the detriment of each other. Just watching them seek out poor un-expecting people to pounce on and spark conversation in the hope it is reciprocated. Naturally I wouldn’t be impolite…. and I did talk to the muppets that tried to latch onto us, but made it pretty clear I wanted them to f*ck off when the conversation was over. My holiday is my time with my husband, not with Waynes and Waynettas I will never see or speak to again. The thing that made me laugh most was when the desperate leachy couple were approached by another couple who were clearly far too intelligent and out of their league, but they didn’t know so started to ask them what sights they are seeing and whether they have been on any cultural trips or anything yet and the dimbo leaches turned around and said “well we’re going on a pub crawl on Wednesday night and then to Coco Bongos (a nightclub in Cancun) to get w*nkered.” I bowed my head in shame at the dimbo couple being British but it was absolutely hilarious. That stopped the conversation pretty swiftly as the other couple couldn’t swim off quick enough!

I had a little incident where I managed to get some dodgy bloke to give me a half naked massage while my husband went off to sort out our adventure trip to the jungle! I have no idea really what happened (it wasn’t my fault), I was quite happily lying on the bed in a beach hut thingy deeply into reading about a murder or something, when a guy came over, mumbled incoherently about the spa I think and the next thing I know he unclipped my top (clearly had a lot of practice!) and I was put into massage paralysis. No idea what happened, but I did think my God if my husband comes back now this is going to look really bad. Carried on anyway, then he put my bra back on and disappeared… weird. Still, I put it down to a Mexican experience.

I think my body is still detoxing from all the food and alcohol. I was fairly sensible to start with in keeping my diet relatively similar to home to avoid being ill, but my husband doesn’t listen to such advice so waded in there with ridiculous amounts of rich, spicy and acidic food and then complained of stomach ache for 3 days. Didn’t stop him drinking numerous cocktails throughout the entire day though. I must admit I did drink my own body weight in Baileys which might explain the load of weight I have put on. Nothing like being drunk by 9.30am in the pool. The best bit of this was when me and hubby were pissing about in the pool as normal whilst drinking a cocktail, I pulled his shorts down so he chased after me out of the pool then slipped, nose dived to the floor, spilt his drink, grazed his knees, hurt his hand and massively bruised his ego. Needless to say it absolutely made my day, so funny! He is still nursing his wounds.

As I was so nice to him during the whole holiday and he got more than enough of his share (so to speak!), I did manage to get him to willingly go to the best jewellers I have ever seen in my life. It is woman heaven, you have to have a security pass and member of staff with you at all times to go into this place. It is black marble everything, 3 floors, crystal chandeliers and you walk around like royalty with your glass of champagne and chaperone. The diamonds in there were stunning, it puts UK jewellers to shame that’s for sure. We weren’t expecting to see anything I liked being so fussy, but he had promised that this summer he would upgrade my engagement and wedding ring as we were poor Uni students when I got mine and 9 years later I damn well deserve some more!

Anyway looking around this jewellers I tried on the most stunning rings I have ever seen, my favourite (though far from the most expensive) was a mere USD 26k. Little out of our price range even after strong negotiation so I am saving this one for the next upgrade. I tried on about a 100 more and 3 hours later had seen one I loved. It was very expensive at half the price of my favourite one which again was a little out of the price range for what we thought would just be a day out to a mall and a Starbucks so weren’t prepared, but with a lot of negotiation, fluttering of eye lashes and it being tax free I got my 2 carats! It is such a beautiful ring, I love it. So much so I got my husband to go back a few days later and get me another one as the wedding ring – well we had to, you can’t get the same quality of diamond and white gold in this country with our tax and mark up...Well that was my excuse anyway, luckily he agreed and I walked away with diamond certificate in hand and a very happy lady! I am very lucky to have such a nice man be so tolerant of me. But like I said, I do deserve it…!

With all the excitement from the holiday what with food, drink, bed, Jacuzzi, swinging (not in the throw your keys in a circle way), gambling, diamond, cave swimming, zip lining and abseiling, it was time to go home. I was really gutted as I can’t express how much of a great holiday it was and how much we laughed. But all good things have to end, so here we are. It was quite nice to find an envelope hidden under a load of junk mail informing me of a large inheritance my parents have given me. I can’t touch it and I can’t spend it because it’s tied up, but bonus, I like that kind of mail!! Actually, I quite like being home, I missed everyone.

Motivation….let me talk about this in the context of work. I would say that on the whole I have a very good relationship with my manager, but maybe a different relationship to how many people would have their managers, where they would be shown nothing but the utmost respect for their talents (there must be at least one in me somewhere!), support, guidance and loving. Well let me tell you what it has been like for me this week….

Monday - An alright day as much as it can be on a Monday. Had a bit of a huddle amongst our HR colleagues, then with my manager being away from her desk for some of the afternoon, it was, well… peaceful.

Tuesday - My manager comes in, the first thing she announces to the whole team at the top of her voice is some bollocky radio revolution about how your name would say whether you are good at your job or not. Being called Debbie, a name mentioned in this programme, clearly means I am crap and useless at everything “your name was mentioned Deb, see told you she was a shit manager,” she says to my team. Brilliant, nothing like a bit of motivation to get me going first thing in the morning!! Then in the afternoon after making myself immensely excited over something I really can’t get the least bit excited about, there was the pep talk of “just get it done it needs to happen” (minus the 2 finger salute and a wink you would be expecting next) and then a “you can shove it up your arsehole” comment that followed later on! Fabulous it just gets better.

Wednesday – Now having to face the news of the day before, hounded by a business that hates our department and a name that does me no favours, I’m then stuck in a 5 foot square office with her (my manager) for 4 hours where we figure out what to do, talking about ‘twoddling’ (she was doing this when she crashed her car), which didn’t go down too well with the others in the room being all professional. She’s so childish. At the end when I was scrappling with flip charts and trying to balance every other possible loose item on the table in my arms, I asked her what she planned to do with our findings (a reasonable question), when she responded with “how about we shove it up your arsehole?” Hmm.

Thursday – This was an interesting day. The biggest piece of toot that has been sitting on my managers desk for the last 6 months finally got binned as she decided in her wisdom (being of age now!), that having a desk that looks like a poltergeist playing in toys’r’us, may not actually be the best way to get taken seriously. When I told her what to do with Gooey Louis (aka toot), she told me she’d love to “shove it up my arsehole!” Alrighty then, this is becoming a stock response. The day continued on and being fascinated by the endless stories of how horrible and gruesome little children are, we got onto the subject of toilet habits of a 6 year old. To cut a long story short, she was on the phone waiting for the school to answer just as I was making a profound comment about how her boy had a rectal exam the day before he announced he wanted to be a cheerleader and that there could be a connection. At the point she repeated “rectal examination,” the Head Teacher answered!!! Oh the hilarity, she was bound to get it. Shove that up your arsehole I thought, quite literally!

Today – From the moment she sat down at her desk I was getting the blame for practically everything that was happening, starting with me single handily shutting down the entire international arm of our business (yeah, funny), to spending thousands of pounds on unscrupulous agencies (I wasn’t) because I’m “crap at being a recruiter”. To put into context, being a recruitment manager is my job, so at the beginning of the week I can’t do the management part, and now I can’t do the recruitment part, so I’m pretty screwed really!

Then we started talking about me flying (in an aeroplane obviously) on Friday the 13th and how the plane will crash and they could never see me again and how lovely and quiet it would be without me (in case you can’t tell from this, they didn’t seem in the least bit bothered). So feeling bruised and somewhat bullied from the morning, we moved the conversation onto the company magazine and got into a bit of friendly banter which ended somehow in me being told again to “shove it up my arsehole”. Having been told this every day this week, I wanted to push back on this arsehole thing, where she claimed she didn’t say hole, just arse and if she said hole, she wouldn’t have specified and didn’t want to debate about my holes, which naturally sparked the debate. So all in all it’s been a pretty great week! It’s a good job I can take it, she’d probably argue she gets as good as she gives though. Nothing undeserved I say!

Well thankfully it’s Friday and more importantly it is the end of a full working week before I go to Mexico for 2 weeks. I cannot wait and I intend to have a fabulous holiday. It could be the last exotic one for a while so I want to make the most of it. It is a whole 7 days away however and in the meantime I have to have my hair pulled about for 3 hours in an effort to try to make myself appear even remotely half decent to look at for the holiday. Then get the tickets, then go shopping, then go to the vets, then iron the entire wardrobe, then pack, then get up, run 5k, see my parents, go to work, do an interview for the Telegraph, sustain more motivational pep talks, (pretend to) do some work, fight some fires, then take my cats to my parents, finish packing and finally… go on holiday. Roll on Friday; I’m sure I’ll be greatly missed!

It’s been so long that last wrote a blog, I have had so much to talk about but couldn’t be bothered and now I can be bothered as there is rugby league on (and is always some kind of rugby or football on no matter what time it is) and now I can think of nothing to talk about. My husband has been trying to educate me on the difference between rugby league and rugby union, quite frankly I couldn’t be less interested. All I see are legs and butt and that is all I need to see, but thanks for trying.

Hmm anyway what shall I talk about, well what are my favourite subjects, sex, murder and alcohol I think. Not all at once, that would be weird, and in no particular order:

By murder I don’t mean I commit them or indeed ever intend to commit, but a part of my really warped personality likes to read about them. I also truly believe I have some psychic tendencies in my dreams and often what I dream comes true in some form. I told you people thought I was warped and yes I quite openly admit I may be a little bit odd, but hear me out.

So this morning when I was waken up I was absolutely knackered. Not in an average I don’t want to go to work kind of way, but in an ‘I can’t physically move as I have zero energy’ kind of way. This is because I spent the entire night slipping in and out of horrific vivid nightmares which has had a huge impact on me today. They were just so real and it felt like they went on for hours. I was back packing in Australia with my best friend and we were staying in hostels and cheap hotels until we found out that there was a serial killer praying on backpackers in that area, so we walked for miles and miles and up and down hills to try and find somewhere safer to stay. When I woke I honestly felt so exhausted from all the walking I didn’t think I could get through the day. I am now incredibly concerned that my nightmare may really come true, so I will be watching the news closely for the next week.

When I was younger I used to frequently dream about things that then came true within a week, such as when I dreamt that a cat got through the window and ate the chicken that was on the side cooling down from the oven – this actually happened that very morning which I didn’t know about until my mum told me in the evening. I have also dreamt about tornadoes, earthquakes, kidnapping and plane crashes, all of which have then happened shortly after, so I was a little shaken today. So that is where my murder interest has impacted my day.

OK next subject, sex. My boss has done a pretty good job at taming my hormones this week, not that she has personally put me off anything, our relationship isn’t like that… even though she did try to get it on with one of my female colleagues today!. Generally she isn’t like that! When I say taming my hormones, what I mean is that she has used a few examples and analogies to describe things to me using the part of the male anatomy I would normally enjoy and has painted a pretty awful picture in my head of someone you would not put in the shaggable category. In fact, you wouldn’t want to put in any category. To cut a long story short the words ‘stroking’ and ‘cock’ were used in the same sentence as this persons name and I almost saw my breakfast for the 2nd time.

So this painted image has been playing on my mind ever since and now whenever I hear his name this comes into my head and I now really really do have to separate these two things to avoid my sex life being ruined. It’s not healthy! On another note an ex shag buddy / booty call man from University has tracked me down. Whilst I don’t have a problem in speaking to any of my previous ‘mistakes’ I am not sure about this one. He was the one I was caught with by my husband at University when I was kind of meant to be seeing him. All a bit complicated, obviously I wasn’t married then and it is all water under the bridge and completely out in the open. I do think I need to tread carefully though and maybe keep a slightly bigger distance now than I had done then! It will be fine…!

Final favourite subject is alcohol, or more alcohol induced stupidity in my friends than actually with me. I am fairly tame really, if you discount my run ins with police on peeing in civic grounds with friends, mad drunken road dashes and flashing to the nice kind uniformed people that look like police (err, OK were police, oops) and the tripping over, launching of beer mats at burly men and things I have regretted and would rather forget. So now I try to drink a little less and watch others act just so foolishly.

Tomorrow night we are going to my best friends as she and her husband have just got back from holiday and that normally means she will cook us a great meal, she and I will get giggly and silly over cocktails, we will hear all their funny tales and she would have bought me some great presents. This time though I also have a surprise for her as I booked us tickets to go and see Dolly Parton at the O2 in July!!! Wicked, I know it is Dolly Parton and we are waaaayyyyy to young for that, but Dolly is our drunken Singstar Goddess and I know Mounia will love it, so I can’t wait to tell her!

In other news, work is still there, I still have to go as I didn’t marry a millionaire (questioning why now!!) but I have a partially new team and it is all very exciting and a great addition to what is already a fabulous team with the best boss ever. The boss also has a rather special Birthday coming up and plans are currently well under way. Oh the fun we could have, I hope she will be in a good mood – a sense of humour on the day and there after will be a pre-requisite for her coming into the office! It can’t be worse than last year so there isn’t much to worry about and sitting far enough away now to be out of firing line is all good. What could possibly happen...?!

It seems to be that most people I know have Birthdays in the spring; probably something to do with the drunken summer holiday conception rates and hence loads of babies born in spring. So for the last month I have been celebrating many Birthdays and last week I went to one of my good friend’s 40th Birthday party in the middle of nowhere in a country golf club. It was heavily populated by 1980’s throw backs with poor dress sense in a part of Hertfordshire where in-breeding is the norm and unless you speak like you’re chewing a wasp or hold a pint of beer with your pinky in the air, you could almost stand out. Naturally we didn’t quite fit in, but she is a great friend and we had to show our face.

This Hertfordshire crowd that I have hung around with for the last few years are a crowd of toffs basically. They have more money than sense and will only part with their money for things that they believe will make them appear somehow richer and better than they really are. The kind of people who like to pull car keys out of a hat at the end of the night, that sort of thing. Though allegedly as I found out, rumour has it that my previous boss and I are having an affair…!

An affair, my God, what a fantastic affair that must be. The man I worked desperately hard to get away from, the man accused of sexual harassment and the man that I have seen only once in the last 2 years! Oh yeah, the sex in the affair is that great that I have only managed to see him that one time!!! What a joke, but it gave me and my husband a bit of a chuckle when we found out. I guess there isn’t much else for people to talk about in Much Hadham, bless ‘em! I have so many stories of these people and my dreaded old boss, I reckon I could write a book on it all. I certainly could write a few journals on how not to behave in an office or how to lose at a tribunal based on witnessing the world’s biggest f-ing idiot in action!

Well speaking of the office, our consultation at work is now over and it’s time to start saying goodbye to those who chose to leave. It was a bit of a sad day on Friday when someone left the company for good, and probably never to be seen again. Real shame actually. There aren’t many people where you can honestly say you would be truly disappointed to see them go, so it was a very sad occasion. My boss, who by her own admission doesn’t like anyone (you would never have guessed!), was quite emotional which was sad to see actually, she isn’t the type to show emotion on the outside to many people, so I did feel bad for her losing her mate. Then all that totally went when she said I was 3rd tier contingency backup for when she had no other friends, so that put me well and truly back in my place. I never forget, and oh, who’s 40th Birthday is coming up next month...? Wonder what serious humiliation can be brought upon her...

So next week, we start planning the Birthday of all Birthdays... I need something else to start planning now so this is a perfect opportunity. I have a few ideas already but I am sure once I get around to speaking to other people there will be a whole series of events to look forward to. She is so gonna get it!! Last year’s Birthday was pretty fun, but not a patch on what’s around the corner. I will be researching this one thoroughly, with any luck I might make it to 4th tier!

For me my job is a reasonably large part of my life; mainly because I need to earn money, not because I just love getting up early and working loads of hours for the hell of it. Whilst that of course sounds like a really great thing to do…!

I try to better myself by observing others, learning as much as I can, training, and naturally doing things I hate doing to either get better at it, because my boss makes me or actually just because it is perceived I may be good at it (a.k.a no one else wants to do it!). Anyway last week I went on a disciplinary and grievance course. Sounds like quite a negative thing I suppose, but oddly I loved it! The people I was with on the course from all over the business were great. I was out of my comfort zone, but I felt very comfortable about that. The trainer was fabulous and just shows there are some great people out there that could so easily go unnoticed. I put on my acting skills and even by my own standards think I did a rather great role play to help someone manage a complete arse in their team, so close to reality was my role play I should have got an award!

Well generally, I do like my job and I like that it often sucks and throws up many challenges. Recently I have liked it less, what with going through a horrible consultation situation, will I have a job, won’t I, is it what I want, do I really belong, do I fit in, do they really want me anyway and losing someone I like from my team? There were so many questions, but I found my answer and was happy to stay and have the opportunity to stay, and I am pleased to say despite everything I still enjoy it. Then graduate recruitment rears its ugly head again, aaaggghhhhh!!! Graduates, I do love them all, but boy does it cause a lot of pain. Hundreds of CV’s, they all look the same, their test results are similar, but which ones do you pick?? Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So many good ones to choose from and such little opportunity for all of them – but that’s where the assessment centres come in. Days and days of being cooped up in a stuffy dark room whilst the work you left behind piles up, how can you make this work? I can be thankful though that the 22 days last year has been decreased to 6, so really not all bad!

If it’s not the moaning of a couple of people, it’s something else or someone else. You can’t win. In my previous life I would have been a politician I think. Perhaps I should think of that as an alternative career now – a free house, loads of money, clothing allowances… sounds like heaven!

I have confirmed though that I am still good at printing, planning and organising, little else mind, but where would things be without someone that had the skills to staple, my God?! But the best thing to happen to me all week is that the moaning of few then bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers for my work, which made it all worthwhile. I was totally stunned actually and didn’t quite know what to say in my embarrassment. A little thank you goes such a long way. Whilst the day ended on a bit of a low which is normal when I am not at my desk for longer than an hour, I can look at the flowers and know that I did something okay for once. At least I can look forward to seeing an old pal tomorrow and get thoroughly merry for belated Birthday drinks! I love that it is the weekend already…

I am veering worryingly close to my 30th now. I just turned 29 having had my Birthday last weekend and now face the monthly countdown to a new era and the end to my lovely happy 20’s. All the fun and frolics of being 20 something and now I have to face up to being a grown up. I still only feel 18 so this is a bit of a problem for me. You tell people you are 30 and they have an expectation of what that should say about you, like being well into your career, a kid or 2, married, divorced, nice car, respectable house etc etc. I feel that you have to be someone when you are 30. I just don’t think I can make that happen. I don’t want to grow up, I refuse, so there!

Still, I did enjoy my Birthday. Bit peeved that with it being over the Easter holiday everyone forgot and my best friends were in France on some forced seeing the family trip so that sucked, but my husband being the great man he is (he may read this!), did try his best to make it special – in his own little odd way.

I woke up on Saturday (my Birthday) and he brought in a mountain of presents. I thought it all looked pretty exciting, loads of things to open, so I got stuck in. The first present he gave me was, wait for it… an iceberg lettuce.
“What the f**k is this”
“A gift, don’t be ungrateful, open the rest”
I hope he is f-ing joking or this leads to something great. I am not a morning person and this is not funny.
“This one better not be salad dressing. What the hell is it?”
“It’s maple syrup obviously, it says, look right there. Keep opening.”
“Okay, this is a Canadian flag, I know that coz I saw it once in a geography lesson at school! Why on Earth have you given me this? The next one better be worth a lot of money I can tell ya” Clearly I really am the most ungrateful person in the world.
“Just shut up and keep opening the presents will you.”
“Huh. Are we going to Canada,” I said with an excited revelation.
“Just shut up and open or I will do it for you.”
“Alright moody, didn’t know there was a time limit.” I continued opening.
“Hmm, Celine Dion DVD….. oh my God….. are we going to Canada? Are we going to Canada to see Celine Dion? Are we going to Las Vegas?….. What, what, what are we doing?”
“You’ll find out, just keep opening.”

By this point I was really starting to lose interest. I HATE surprises, I cannot stand not knowing things, or not being able to plan. I wished he would just tell me, I was getting tetchy. Anyway I kept opening all these little presents, a couple of other DVD’s, some jewellery, a lovely charm bracelet with a graduation hat on to signify where we first met (puke!) and a few other little things.

Finally I finished opening everything and I asked him what we were doing as opening everything else had not given me any more indication. Or worse he was winding me up and I was going to kill him. Then he said I hadn’t opened everything yet. I kept looking but there were no other presents, I was really getting fed up. Then he told me to open the Celine Dion DVD and in there he had put 2 tickets for us to go and see her play live on her word tour in May to the O2. Wicked! I love Celine Dion, as much as I love Elton John in fact. OK, not really to everyone’s taste, but I am practically 30 so that must be more acceptable now. Alright, I admit that it’s sad but I think she is great and I am huge fan so this was an amazing present. Damn, he’s going to want something for this!

Morning gifts over with, he was taking me to London for the day starting with Selfridges – great wonder if he will buy me a nice expensive bag? No chance and I would have to listen to him whine for hours so I’ll just have a quick look then we can move on. 10 mile walk in the freezing cold later (as he insisted there were no cabs despite a thousand flying past), he took me to little intimate bowling alley with a cocktail bar and everything. Slightly odd treat but you couldn’t put a price on the amount of laughs we got out of it when 2 people on either side of us went to bowl, not paying any attention as to why there is a big black foul line separating the part you step on to the part the ball rolls on and both of them fell flat on their faces. It was absolutely hilarious, and what made it even funnier was when they stood up, in amazement they both said “be careful, it’s really slippery on there…” No shit!!! I often wondered what oil on a shiny surface felt like – muppets!

After a few cocktails and jug of beer it was fair to say I was feeling a little tipsy, so we went to walk to the next place. Yeah walk. What is wrong with that man, I wonder whether he realises you can just hail a cab in London, you don’t have to book in advance. I was more than willing to flash some flesh if that would have helped but he wouldn’t let me. Probably a wise choice, it was pretty cold!

Next place was the restaurant, Dans Le Noir. What an amazing experience. As you would expect, you eat in the dark. And when I say dark, I mean you see nothing, I have never been in such darkness in my life. I have to admit that for someone who has to sleep with night lights on in the house, I did get a little bit panicked as the blind waiter separated me from my husband to seat me the other side of the table. The thoughts going through my head at this point were how will I know whose leg I am touching or whose hand I am holding? You can’t get done for sexual harassment if you have no idea you are doing anything can you?!

It was a table of 12, all couples and all strangers. The best thing about eating in the dark, other than it being totally acceptable to make slob of yourself, is that all your inhibitions are completely stripped away. Ordinarily I wouldn’t talk to random people I didn’t know nor would I be interested in starting conversations with them. I also wouldn’t lean round and tap the person next to me on their shoulder so they thought someone else did it. I wouldn’t hide their drinks just for the fun of it and take amusement at them frantically feeling their way to find it. They couldn’t see it was me, so what they hell! They wouldn’t even know it was me when got back in the light. No problem….. until we went to pay and I looked up behind the bar and there on the big screen was displayed CCTV of the restaurant in night vision cameras so everyone can have a good laugh at what’s going on. Oh God, wonder if the guy I took the piss out of is that 7 foot rugby player over there?!! Come on Mart, let’s go now!