An interesting start to the weekend, involving a Birthday celebration, a near miss on a brawl breaking out, determined prevention by a few of us ‘carers’ of what has great potential to be a future tragedy (could already be unfolding I wasn’t there the whole time!), some very honest unhindered slurred conversations over cocktails and a whole lot of cuddling and loving from what I can recall!
Well a colleague, alright boss was turning 40 ehh I mean 39, whatever, what’s 12 months?! Anyway the events started with the all important desk decoration and picture humiliation in the hope the ‘victim’ makes it to the office to see (she gives us tonnes of material!). This was followed by the gift unwrapping and further humiliation, to meeting in the bar later for yet more humiliation – though to be fair, at the bar it was more self inflicted on her part!
A few bottles and a couple of shots into the evening it is fair to say the merriment was increasing in all of us, but tradition states that the Birthday Girl should be the most plastered by the end of the evening – she didn’t let us down! With a likeness to the promiscuous ‘Flower’ in Meerkat Manor and a nickname of ‘Angry Beaver’ the two were bound to spell trouble at some point during the evening. I think it all started with the need to smoke and subsequently being kicked out of the garden and shoved outside by the road. A smoking pal who is just as mental had a close encounter with the concrete floor, coupled with a fire door being closed led to the bouncer being called a **** and Birthday Girl barred – temporarily. She was forgiven and allowed back in for round 2.
Without too much detail round 2 involved some amusing and condemning pictures on my phone of which I must erase for everyone’s well being, but I could be open to a fee on this one! Copious amounts of alcohol, my thong being flashed in front of everyone whilst a stream of admirers try and take a peek (at least I was wearing some), breasts being exposed at regular intervals (not mine), some farty putty incidents and some blurry conversations around my resignation of which I have not made and have no intention of making. Following this blog however I expect there will be no need for any resignations as my P45 will be cheerfully hand delivered to my desk on Wednesday!
Round 3 involved finally leaving the Cocktail bar to embark on a stumbling tour of St Albans without first forgetting that having to walk past the bouncers meant it was another opportunity to have a go – something about the fire door, husband being able to handle himself (whatever that meant, some things best left unsaid), chief officer or something and then direct abuse hurled at the bouncer about him having a very small dick and he can’t get it up!! Incredibly amusing but totally random. I was by this point pretty drunk myself and couldn’t help laughing, but Jeeess leave the poor guy alone!! Won’t ever be going back there!
Round 4 was the walk to the next bar – bit like the green mile actually. The fresh air must have hit Birthday Girl and after using all her energy abusing the bouncers, the walk had a calming affect on the ‘boisterous bully of the cocktail bar’ fame. Instead the Angry Beaver part of her faded, (the Flower part was still very much alive!) and she became this really sweet, incredibly vulnerable, good natured little cherub that you just needed to hug, flash a smile at, listen to, care for and become a sensible guide to. Being a guide was essential to prevent her from almost being run over, arrested by the police and tripping tits up, again! Bit like the role reversal in Absoutely Fabulous, I felt like the sensible daughter trying to look out for the crazy intoxicated mother to ensure she didn’t do anything stupid or that she would seriously regret when sober. All part of the service I feel – or a favour owed for when it’s my turn!
Round 5 – dodging police, avoiding stationary crowds, steering Birthday Girl around obstacles and desperately trying to avoid bouncers for fear the ‘Beaver’ could make an untimely and unpredictable return, meant we had successfully found the queue to the next bar. A moment of terror entered my head when some girls in front of us wearing just a hair band around their waists were standing there. Sensing the ‘Beaver’ could see this and indeed did, she couldn’t resist the urge to say something. It could have been enough to start another fight, but fortunately, I don’t think they heard and we were allowed in. Phew, we made it; let’s just get her a drink, give her a fag, stick her outside, prop her up against the wall and she’ll be fine!
Round 6 – for me things go a little bit blurry from here on in, though I have a good memory even when totally shit faced so the main details I do remember. It went something like this: more conversations around my resignation (I AM NOT RESIGNING!!!!!) though I am starting to think perhaps I need to take a hint? Not me we need to be worried about is it?! A lengthy recording on my voicemail where a colleague managed to accidentally call me and so I have the whole verse of the above (and more) unfolding. A tragic conversational trip to the toilet and when navigating the way out with Birthday Girl I managed to direct her into a store room of some description – kind of wishing I had locked her in! A lot of cuddling and emotional exchanges occurred, Saffron from Ab Fab (me) and her friend were desperately trying to prevent a ‘situation’ from occurring that could and no doubt will have terrible repercussions. A run in with a fellow smoker claiming he didn’t have a light yet was holding one and the abuse and threatening behaviour towards another colleague when my drink was empty and I wanted another one, were just a few of the highlights!
All in all it is was an eventful evening! Some of the finer details will remain untold and need to remain untold. Birthday Girl allegedly ended up in a taxi home, got there safely and in one piece I’m told, though was a close call on more than one occasion. I can’t wait for the real BIG ONE next year – the riot police will be notified and on standby!
