Sorted!

Holidays are always a real source of excitement for me. I can’t wait to go, I then stress about the journey but look forward to the fact that for the next 2 weeks I can sit by the pool drinking cocktails and doing absolutely nothing. Something I have got down to an art form!

Normally going on holiday goes without major incident, not without minor irritations though. This time was slightly different. On reaching Cuba to the only just larger than a shack of an airport, we were quite surprised to be faced with more security guards per square metre than probably even exist in the whole of London! A couple of cute little dogs were running around, bless them, and oh how good that they are so well trained to sniff any suitcase on the conveyer that they are told to! One of them took a little fancy to my husband’s bag and on our way to our transfer he was stopped and told to follow a lady with rubber gloves – very funny actually, I told him to keep his back to the wall and his legs crossed and he’ll be fine! 15 minutes later he comes back, not really smiling and I thought he was walking a little bit oddly, but he assured me he was not violated in any way. Basically it turns out that because of the 5 cats we own, the dog got a tad over excited and gave off the wrong signals – perhaps not so well trained after all, though it gave me a laugh!

Drama over and leaving the airport I was horrified to see that the weather had followed us. It was raining, grey, humid and not sunny, so immediately I started kicking off about what a crap country it was and how dare it rain during the only time of the year I really want sunshine, don’t they know who we are?! What has happened to my illusions of the holiday bliss of past where everything is better – the weather, the people, the sex, the food, the wine, the shot measures?!!! Fortunately to my husbands delight after a few days the weather improved, I finally stopped moaning about the f-ing clouds and we could start to enjoy the holiday as planned.

Always on holiday I seem to be discovered by every possible insect, creepy crawly and generally any other strange wildlife and that includes some dodgy locals! I must have been bitten by every mosquito in the complex, my body looked like a walking exhibit for all the mosquitoes to show off their talents in creating the biggest and most itchy bites they could muster. Husband didn’t get one, I told him that’s because he has natural repellent and stinks, it didn’t go down too well - sorry but I am not an expert in bites and don’t know the correct reasons or terminology for why they only bite me, and this was the best explanation I could give!

We swam with dolphins which was amazing, no incidents there. But we did also ride horse back through the forest, which produced immense hilarity. My husband has never been on a horse before and didn’t know what to expect, I was fine I thought having had a horse as a kid, though admittedly not ridden for a while. Anyway I got on my horse first, he was pretty cute and quite placid, whilst my husband’s horse looked absolutely shabby, it was covered in bites and really scabby – “no way that will get you round the track! Ha” We started our 8km hike which got off to a good start until my horse found a plant he liked to eat, went running off jumping across a ditch onto a rather steep verge to have his treat, not responding to any direction from me. I suddenly realised that I am not the most stubborn mammal on earth which upset me a bit to find I had competition! After getting him to turn around he jumped back over the ditch into the path of another horse and a fight broke out with me on the back which fortunately the guide managed to stop before my neck was broken.

At the end of the 8km track was a farmhouse which we were able to go into and see how the locals live, what animals they breed etc. Well before going in the guide found a lizard which he picked up to show everyone. Don’t get me wrong I love lizards and I’m not scared, but on that occasion I didn’t feel like holding it. My husband puts his hands out to take it instead but the lizard had other ideas and decided to jump a metre off his hands and onto my breast, before making its way across to the other one to stop and take in the sites. OK, not what I had intended and typically 20 other people happened to see this so my street cred was totally stripped – I want to go to the hotel now!! Sodding animals and I need to nurse my saddle sores!

A few more incidents did happen during the holiday, but overall it turned out to be great and did get better. I think I exceeded my ‘quota’ as set by the husband so I should be safe for a few more hours! Now back to work and wishing yet again I was somewhere else, preferably by the pool in the sunshine. I really am very good at doing nothing and just lazing around, it suits me. Guess I can dream!

It’s no shame and I am not afraid to say that I absolutely love the team I am in at work. We have been through some tough times but through natural selection the best of us survived! Now it’s great and here is another reason why.

There was this small piece of work we took on recently as a team and for our efforts we were unleashed yet again into St Albans with a credit card carrying genius in hand. Following last weeks escapades of a little Birthday celebration we had, I wouldn’t have been surprised if the alarms went off, the barricades came down and we were escorted off site. Fortunately though for the most part we were fine.

It started at a restaurant where a few beers and a bit of champagne later we were presented with a rather marvellous cake which had one hell a journey to get to the restaurant by all accounts, especially considering who was in charge of it! However it made it there and was quickly and oddly only partially demolished, later to then be lost and found again. Long story but a typical one and it should make its merry way back to the office by a responsible ‘mum’ in the team to be completely finished off.

Following the cake glory a few of us re-entered the realms of the cocktail delights from the previous week. A moment of worry occurred when a colleague who had a close encounter with the concrete last week was recognised by one of the bouncers and interrogated for half an hour before she was let in. Successfully passing her interview and some pressure from us, she made a safe return to the team and the drinking began in earnest.

Now I am not a regular binger in the alcohol world, though when I am let out of my ball and chains I like to have a few. The night was good, though totally uneventful compared to last week. There was an odd attraction from one of my colleagues to get another one to hit the deck constantly which gave her hours of amusement – she is easily pleased! Belly dancing episodes, and this wasn’t just a wriggle but a full lift your top up wriggle and have the entire bar turn around and chant (being a football night the type of men in there would suggest what that was like). An imaginary telephone conversation with a straw which went on for a while?? A foot fetish turned freaky when a colleague felt the need to get rather close to me, and a marriage proposal between two colleagues – now this really was weird and I am not sure entirely legal, however it was a great Kodak moment and I have the special time recorded for the happy couple to remember forever!

The last part of the evening was me and a colleague, the hardcore 2 there ‘til the end - staggering back to our chauffeur. This involved a lot of raised voices, some heckling and a wanted punch up. However, that was all avoided by the distraction of the smell coming from Subway as there are no chippies can you believe open after 12 in St Albans – madness!! Anyway now happy with my purchase having given the guy the entire penny contents I could find in my bag which he struggled to count, he let us go. The embarrassment was too much for him to take, especially with a line of other drunks behind us, so we meandered our way through the endless line of police cars to our holding pen awaiting ‘Jeeves’.

Of course, time waits for no man, so as a result with both of us slightly hyperactive (I must have consumed thousands of e-numbers in cocktails alone), bored and fidgety, it was really not good for either of us. Any poor person walking past absolutely had to have a conversation with us or they were in for it and every vehicle going past got waved at, thumbed at or sworn at depending on who they were. It was all we could do to hide from the police really especially as I inadvertently raised the wrong fingers at the wrong time – I don’t think it was appreciated much so I had to be on guard from that point onwards!

After a drunk walked past us looking worst for wear and standing gormless in the middle of the road looking to the sky for answers, I was a little concerned for our safety I must admit. I was then told by my colleague however, that if someone was to come at me with a knife - slightly scared as to why he thought someone would - but he said I didn’t have to worry as he was martial arts trained and would take a knife for me anyway. Bless him, bet he wouldn’t have said that if he was sober, nor if he saw the knife actually, but it was a nice moment! Luckily for both of us Jeeves arrived in time to protect us from any harm, further embarrassment or a cautionary trip to the police station!