The last few weeks have been tough from a combination of personal difficulties to deal with, which are causing me some considerable pain and then having to go to the office to deal with lots of challenging stuff that in the grand scheme of things are just not worth worrying about. I have been grumpy, miserable, bored, de-motivated and just wanted to be at home. But then someone else in our team had a Birthday and another great excuse for drinking the sorrows away for a night of forgetting was born! Poor St Albans!
I am starting to wonder whether I should be contacting the AA (not the breakdown version) as the last couple of months has been so full of alcohol consumption what with loads of Birthdays, holidays, conferences, away days and personal stuff. With the amount of drinking I have been doing lately I am surprised how still a rumour can go around the office about me being pregnant. I can be irresponsible sometimes, but not to the extent where I would drink when pregnant! I got asked 3 times last week by different people saying they have heard. Obviously I told them I was 8 months pregnant with twins and the rumour is absolutely true and I am out on the lash tonight to celebrate the looming birth! I get a very worrying look but as they don’t know me particularly well they half believe me and are not sure what to say. Don’t worry I set them straight after I leave them feeling awkward for a few minutes! However this rumour has led to me now being incredibly paranoid that maybe I am getting really fat and this is their ‘polite’ way of telling me I am a lard arse and can do with losing a few pounds. Makes me feel much better.
So true to the tradition of drinking to celebrate the unnatural amount of Birthdays in our team (I am sure we have a few each they seem so frequent!) we clambered to St Albans in a little car. If the car journey itself didn’t wreak havoc it would go against tradition and this wouldn’t be right. By havoc I mean going over speed bumps at 50 mile an hour with the back seat full and no suspension which hurts a bit! Not slowing to go around corners with a car full, beeping anyone that steps only slightly out of line to see if it will make them jump and taking the piss out of everything and everyone on the way. When the streets become full in town with teeny boppers on their night out, the windows of the car open and odd sounds emanate from all of us very childishly to spark a reaction which will make us laugh hysterically until reaching our destination for the evening.
The night started in our usual St Albans haunt. We were recognised by staff as we always seem to be there and the bouncers were on red alert remembering all the other unfortunate incidents we have been involved in over the last few months! Especially the ‘American one that doesn’t stop talking about weird stuff’ and this is not my quote, it came from a bouncer that could barely get a word in edgeways and was getting earache! The cocktails came out immediately and after 4 rounds of this the Dom Perignon was ordered in and cleverly spilt by a colleague - that was £20 given to the table, aaahhhhhhrrrrggggg !! But I managed to get the barman to give us all free shots and an extra one for the Birthday girl to make it up for it. In hindsight however I think that was a really bad idea as the mixture of alcohol already consumed kick started massive drunkenness in the 4 of us!
Still the night was young and we had a very long way to go. After the shots I had no real control of my actions, sadly it was only about 8pm! We had such a fantastic time, definitely one of the best work evenings out this year. I haven’t laughed so much in ages, I just hope it helps with toning my fat pregnant looking stomach! The drinks continued to flow, I got a lot of cuddles which I needed and had the pee taken out of me all night. I think I held my own and we were pretty abusive to each other in a very loving way obviously… A lot of arm wresting was going on too, a sure sign of being ridiculously drunk. My fat butt and breasts were touched a lot by my colleagues– I am not sure why, they were well hidden and completely covered up, it made me laugh perhaps that was why they did it, or maybe the fact I ridiculed one of them for having his balls fondled earlier in the day – long story (and nothing to with me in case you’re wondering!). No idea why I was being picked on all night, not my Birthday, but no damage done except a text to my boss making a formal drunken complaint which I found on my phone this morning bringing back a horrible memory from the night before – so sorry I take it back and all the others ever sent, love you, I mean no harm, forgive me…!
Anyway the night continued, we went and got some food in a fairly civilised place that was probably hoping people like us didn’t turn up being loud and drunk. We filled ourselves up and made it back to the bar to re-join another colleague out for the evening on the world’s most boring hen night. If my hen night had consisted of going to St Albans and sitting with a face like a slapped arse whilst only one of 3 friends drinks with you, I would have been mortified. Seriously I feel sorry for the hen, what a crap night for her.
With one colleague leaving us to get the train home, we made up the numbers by gate crashing this hen party and livening things up a bit. There were some guys sitting opposite the hen party that were nothing to do with them apparently so I made my move. Unfortunately 2 of them were twins and sorry to say pretty ugly, and in my drunken state and being encouraged by colleagues I started to tease them and pinch their arses when they walked past. Very childish, but it made them all smile especially their rather good looking friend who knew I was taking the piss whilst the twins thought I was serious – I didn’t know, I was drunk, just playing. I had to be stopped by my colleague having to pretend he was my husband to fend them off, which didn’t work because they then thought we were into swinging or threesomes or something which got them more excited! After about 30 minutes of teasing I think it was past their bedtime and they had to leave. One of the twins tried to snog me on his way out thinking I was up for it and ‘husband’ wouldn’t mind. If ‘husband’ wasn’t laughing so flipping uncontrollably maybe I could have been spared the horror of what was to follow!
By this point it was now 1pm and my real husband as the usual chauffeur for the evening was called to come and collect us. The walk back through the town to meet our transport is normally entertaining and it absolutely was. It is very typical that after a drink, everyone tries to leap frog all obstacles in the way, causing bodily harm – such as a post box and parking pillars. But the funniest part was when 2 policemen were walking towards us, we were just being drunk and laughing zig zagging our way along the street until the police were about to actually walk past. They said hello amusing themselves at what we must have looked like, so a colleague turned around to smile and fell flat on her arse, legs and arms spread wide like a beetle stuck on its back! We were laughing so much we couldn’t help her up and she continued wiggling about like an idiot! The police turned around to make sure we were OK, which of course we were and a massive queue of people from across the road started to take the piss and the police walked away laughing at our stupidity!
Continuing on our journey there was another queue of people outside Waterstones waiting to get in to buy the new Harry Potter book, so this was a source of great abuse for us to hurl at how sad they were and who dies in the book as revenge for Lucy’s unfortunately timed meeting with the concrete! Anyway, we made it to the taxi rank to see one colleague off after she peeled a woman off her boyfriend who didn’t see her coming… and the 3 of us made it back to Jeeves again without further incident.
With just over 4 hours sleep last night, I was feeling pretty worse for wear today and have been nursing a hangover headache which my husband finds hilarious; especially as he dragged me around more car showrooms this morning. However, I am pleased to say that we have now found the car he wishes to purchase with little agony taken to get there and with my head pounding the sales guys were spared of any arguments or harassment I may have otherwise caused – lucky for them!
