Sorted!

Following on from the wedding of the century, my best friend went on honeymoon to Hawaii. She called me on Thursday morning having just landed back home to organise us going to her house for dinner and a catch up. I was so pleased to have her back, I missed her so much. Naturally I couldn’t wait to see her and hear all about things and more importantly collect the gifts I knew she had bought me!

Friday night we excitedly turned up at their house, had a lovely dinner and talked for hours about what they did, what they saw, who they met etc etc. The first 2 hours of this was great, learning about a new country, drooling over the new gorgeous Gucci watch on her wrist and seeing the newly formed caveman look in her husband, who since being married for 3 weeks has let himself go and hasn’t shaven once! I thought it took at least a year to get to this point but obviously they are very advanced in their married life already!

Anyway the night continued and after dinner we went through all the wedding pictures, selected the ones we wanted which was fine, but the night turned and took a bit of a ‘One Foot in the Grave’ episode tone to it. Meaning that the initial excitement of hearing about the honeymoon progressed to looking through thousands of pictures. It is fair to say I was really glazing over, but every now and again I would hum to show my interest and engagement!

I genuinely was interested in the whole holiday thing, but I just can’t concentrate for that length of time. I must have hid it well coz then we got onto the movie section of the evening… “(Oh God) Home videos, really? Great...” I have to admit I was a little concerned about what type of videos they may have taken, so was relieved to see a volcano and lava flow. Ordinarily this would actually have been enough to heighten my interest, but by now I was way too tired to bother. I was kind of hoping by this point that we might be exposed to something a bit more risqué than a lava flow just for the shock factor. But no. 2 hours later in the home movie stakes of watching practically every piece of evening entertainment in full, I wanted to throw myself down the stairs. A trip to A&E was becoming more appealing!

Video’s finally over, we got onto the wedding gifts. My fault as I had asked what the highlights of the gifts were and whether they got a toaster! Just expecting a one line answer really to close the evening, but they didn’t see it this way. They did in fact get a traditional wedding toaster and new hubby was ordered upstairs to bring the presents down to show us. Oh no, this is at least another 60 minutes worth of chat. Well after we had seen all the presents we spoke about the 4 of us and what we will do on our looming trip together to Las Vegas in a desperate attempt to change the subject. At least this gave us something other than the wedding to talk about which after 6 months of constant conversation, I was quite pleased to see it end. Perhaps we can all renew our wedding vows in Vegas and give us a new type of wedding to discuss?! Oh please.

Getting to bed finally in the early hours of Saturday morning without a sleeping pill, I was plagued with hideous scary dreams about zombies chasing me and people being cruel to my cats. I didn’t sleep too well because of this and then had to get up early to drive to my parents. I felt like a zombie myself actually and my husband would probably say I looked like one too. Fair feedback.

Now one thing to mention is that it is winter and the mornings are very cold and very icy. Some information that a complete arsehole could have done with on our journey to my parents. We just turned out of our house and had made it to the main road when a boy racer with the car exhaust the size of my entire car was gaining quickly behind me in the distance. When he made it up close I thought it was quite amusing how he was driving with his head hanging out the window as he hadn’t bothered to de-ice the windscreen! We carried on and as I came to a roundabout I slowed down (slippery roads!) and Mr Small Penis in the car behind thought he would be really clever and undertake me as he put his foot down on the roundabout. It got him nowhere as I caught up with him at the next roundabout when he did the same again as he smirked at me and revved his engine thinking how cool he looked when he cut me up. This really angered me. As he pulled around he lost control of the car and the back end skidded out as he did an impressive 360 spin on the ice. Fortunately there was no one else on the road, he shit himself as this happened and looked absolutely terrified when the car stopped. We couldn’t help but laugh, he was incredibly embarrassed so as to respect this as I pulled off the roundabout I gratefully smirked back at him whilst giving him the finger. What a prick. Shame!

I love nothing more than when blokes with big egos are firmly put back in their place after showing off. It used to happen to me a lot when I would commute on the M25 as I would drive along at 10 mile an hour stopping intermittently and minding my own business, there would be white vans full of tradesmen going to work who would stare, whistle and generally irritate me. Do they honestly think they look good?! One morning we were going along and I was being pestered by 3 lads as we ended up stopping at the same places sitting in adjacent lanes. I was getting really pissed off as none of them were good looking and worth my effort in teasing back, but as the traffic began moving again they were so busy looking at me and not concentrating, that as the traffic stopped they didn’t react and ploughed straight into a 4x4 in front of them! It was so funny, totally the highlight of my week as the guy in 4x4 was less than impressed and got of his car to give them a mouthful. Needless to say they bowed their heads in embarrassment and the rest of my journey was a peaceful one!

I’m not sure what it is about some men, sitting behind a wheel fuels them with so much testosterone they can’t fully expel, so inflict this on everyone else. Same things happen in manual revolving doors. Ever noticed that? You will be going around with other people at a normal speed and a hard man will join and push it with such force you have to run to avoid your ankles being broken. Seriously, what is that about, what point are they trying to prove? I think we already know the real answer, check out the car they drive as an extension to something lacking if you haven’t already figured it out!

Well the lumpy head that I have had for a while and the tragic headaches lasting weeks have finally decided to go away. Not sure if they will make another appearance but at the moment I am free. It did all end in a stupid cold, but if that’s all it will end in then I am pretty happy about that.

My husband is away this weekend claiming he is at an exhibition but staying in a hotel with a blonde lady… hmm, I should trust him here I suppose and now that I have finally managed to squeeze my front door shut to all the men queuing up to come in, I can relax! Well that was the plan anyway but getting home this afternoon from a day out with my mum I came home to a number of things. Runny pooh (not me, one of my cats!), what can only be described as exorcist style green vomit on the landing, clumps of black fur all over the house and cat pee by the door. So as I stumbled in with hundreds of shopping bags, I had to hurdle my way into the kitchen to start another mass clean. So off I went armed with disinfectant, carpet cleaner and some muscle.

An hour later I had finished cleaning, had put all the shopping away, loaded the dishwasher, put some washing on, all the usual chores and then thought I would feed the cats to get them out from under my feet. They were starting to irritate.

Being the nice mummy I am I bought the kitties their favourite incredibly expensive tuna which they all loved and ate in a second and how did they repay me? Like this:-

I went upstairs to feed my fish and whilst my back was turned for a second, 2 of them decided to have a massacre in the kitchen and by the time I had managed to get down there, fur was covering the kitchen and dining room floor. As one of my big fat boys pinned down my little girl (I am still talking about cats here but they are my baby equivalents!), she was so terrified that he made her pooh herself, except she did this on the work surface and all over the floor with a pile of pee across the kitchen table just to finish off. Absolutely disgusting and for someone that takes great pride in hygiene and a tidy house, this did not go down too well with me. I kicked the boy outside in the cold and rain and sent my little girl upstairs to wait for me for cuddles. So the cleaning started all over again, really not the relaxing weekend I was hoping for.

So the toilet business over with hopefully for the rest of the evening, I can begin to focus on me, which was kind of the benefit of having my husband out for once. Some lovely me quiet time which I greatly need. I have been incredibly emotional over the last few weeks and I don’t feel like I am snapping out of it. I feel like a big ball of hormones and emotions rolling down a hill, bumping into obstacles, finding a different route and just waiting for a place to settle a bit. I’m sure it will come soon.

I am very broody and everyone around me is having babies or at least talking about having them. I am not ready by a long stretch but with the sensitive mental state I am in right now I have to admit I am a little concerned. I am crying at everything too, just the smallest sad thing will start me off. All I want are lots of hugs. I feel intensely lonely although I know that I’m not. I am needy, very withdrawn and don’t feel like talking or socialising much. What is wrong with me? I hope I’m not already pregnant.

Well speaking of children it must be time for a bit of an update on the in-laws as there has been some more news in the continuing saga. As a reminder my sister-in-law had 3 children by the time she was 24 by 2 different fathers and now she is onto her 3rd long term boyfriend in 6 years. This in itself is not great, but fair enough. She loves her kids and whilst they will never have the greatest lives with her, she has now decided to move yet another boyfriend in and has announced to the family that she is engaged…. again. Ahhhhh, is this another disaster waiting happen? Surely, it must be. I’m thinking of adopting one of our nieces as I absolutely love her to bits and I want to give her more. I don’t think it would go down too well though, so think I may move on from that idea or at least leave the subject until after Christmas. Best not rock the boat!

The other walking disaster at the moment besides me, is my mother-in-law. She has spent the best part of the last 6 months saving up for a new car. When I say saving up, I mean she wanted to spend about £300 to get one! Despite consistent warnings and great potential to learn from previous lessons, she went and bought a new car for £250 (bargain) and oddly enough by the end of its first week in her ownership it was dead. She didn’t kill it, it just died, so now she is depressed at not having a car again and starts saving once more. Guess what is on her Christmas list from us… she can think again!

Since my last blog entry a lot has happened. I have had my best friend’s hen night, the Hanbury Manor night before wedding, my husbands Birthday, my mum’s Birthday, the grooms Birthday, the wedding of the century and a very lumpy head!

I’ll start with the hen night which got off to a pretty bad start; the best laid plans and all that. The limo turned up to take all us hens and stags together to London armed with copious amounts of champers having already got tanked up to Singstar in the house beforehand, meant that 2 of the stags needed to pee on the way in a mission critical situation. The limo driver hearing the wincing pain in the back (when the girls cared enough to turn the music down), pulled up to the side of the road and the guys disappeared into someone’s garden with no sense of arrest. Whilst waiting for them in a crowded busy Thursday night City, what else would there be to do but for us girls to open the windows to attract some male attention from the pub overspill? Naturally we got the kisses required then managed to attract a real drunken weirdo (I think that may have been my fault, I am a dodgy geezer magnet), who thought he would catch a great opportunity to sell a bunch of drunk girls all the drugs he had sewn into the lining of his flashers jacket at a ‘good price’. By this point we were wishing the guys would hurry back so we could be on our way. Fortunately they did and whilst the limo began moving and abuse was hurled at the window, we hit another traffic jam. Great.

So we arrived at clubland hell and said goodbye to the guys as they merrily skipped to a seedy strip club or wherever it was they were going. I preferred not to know too many details, so we walked swiftly to our club as all of us were bursting for the loo at this point. It didn’t help that when we got there we had to walk up and down 5000 stairs at least 15 times as everyone who worked there had absolutely no clue which floor the restaurant was on. Pissed me off somewhat especially as some bird got really stroppy at the fact we had asked her a question, then started mumbling rudely not in English. Fortunately we were possibly the most multi-lingual hen party London has ever seen and a fellow hen gave her a mouthful back having understood what she said. Needless to say she soon shut up.

40 mins later we found the restaurant and took our seats. Myself and the other bridesmaid started to get a bit tetchy with the whole event so far and I noticed a speed dating session taking place at the other end of the bar and suggested we give that a go. What? I wasn’t getting married! So we walked over to see whether we could get ourselves in on the action, there were at least 6 married men in the lot that looked half decent! We were refused unfortunately as it was already underway and she had probably noticed that we too were already married, so that put a stop to the fun. Damn it!

The night proceeded fairly uneventfully until we were nearly kicked out for screaming at the top of voices that the live band were “totally shit” and should “go home”. OK in hindsight it probably was a bit harsh, but believe me it was warranted. When the band packed up, the dance floor was ours so up we went. Then some freaky guys thought they could join in (refer to my earlier point about attracting weirdos) and proceeded to try and bump and grind my arse which I didn’t appreciate, but nothing that a few ‘accidental’ elbows couldn’t solve and the dance floor was ours again. The night went on, then the escorts came in. Obviously prostitutes, the no clothes, too much make up and the old scabby ‘would never get any otherwise’ men gave it away. Why go to a club? Seriously, Soho is only 10 mins away, get a room. I don’t want to see it on a dance floor, didn’t you hear THE DANCE FLOOR IS OURS… Anyway, as interested as I certainly was to share my private space with saggy tittied, no bra prossies that seriously have no rhythm in their hips at all (they must be the bargain bin bunch), we did decide enough was enough and we would make a move to catch up with the blokes. Home we went to 3 hours sleep before starting the day prior to the wedding hassle, with responsibility, chores, hotel dashes and more champagne.

The wedding day itself was great. My friend went off to get her hair done at the hotel whilst I waited for my husband (Usher) to drop off the other bridesmaid so as we could get ready together. We faffed about a bit and then Mounia (Bride) comes back with her hair all lovely, the veil in and looking excited and fab hoping to come into a room of red carpet and salute, only to be greeted by me and Barbara screaming about our shoe crises, as neither of us could walk. Now what do we do? I know, my husband can drive all the way back to our house, rummage around the loft for my own wedding and previous maid of honour stuff and pull out some shoes from there. Great, then we will stop the wedding car on the way to grab the shoes and change before going in. We thought we looked very pro when we turned up, until everyone piled outside to catch a glimpse of the gorgeous bride in the car with her Dad only to see us two idiot bridemaids changing our shoes and passing our old ones through the vintage car windows! Tut.

Thinking that with the shoe crisis over we were off the hook, the bride's wrap broke. Ah, what do we do about that one? Her Dad took the pin out of his flower to patch up the wrap and had to put the flowers in his pocket. Another calamity diverted for us, but then hilarious wedding planner panic set in about this when she had to run around the farm looking for a pin, as the flowers "MUST be on the lapel". Whatever, they are still there. Who cares? After the paparazzi were finished with us and we were now seriously losing interest in the event altogether, they decided to let us go and get married. Phew.

The ceremony was fabulous, I fought back the tears and it went really well, except for us bridesmaids again when we pelted it down the isle unintentionally, forgetting that with our new found comfortable shoe freedom, the bride couldn’t walk that fast and was left behind. Oh well. Ceremony over the bride and groom walked out continental style to the Can Can of all things! It went down well with the French side of the family so it was quite amusing. Now the party can start!

Having stayed behind until the very end me being the Maid of Honour and my husband being the Usher a.k.a both best friends to the bride and groom, we were also forced to kiss goodbye to everyone, which I really love doing. Not. It was only the 4 of us staying in the hotel at the farm that night, so we went back to our rooms. We had a great night and in the morning went for breakfast with the happy couple only to find that their wedding night was somewhat disturbed. Mounia had bought some lovely surprise lingerie for the special night which was very sexy (I didn’t see it on her in case you’re wondering, just in the shop!), so she was hoping for a nice relaxing night in the 4 poster honeymoon suite. Only to be disrupted by a phone call from her Dad! I think it was intentional, but the story was that her mum had lost a diamond ring, so the groom was ordered out in the cold to go and see if he could find it. Oddly enough the ring was not lost after all and bride and groom were mightily peed! At least the honeymoon won’t go to waste!

Now an update on my dull headache situation, which I did get rid of for a while. It came back this week and then in the middle of the night last night I felt a lump in the back of my head. Slightly terrified that my brain may be falling out or a spider is nesting, I woke my husband up from a deep sleep (he looked so cute and comfy too….I really hated to wake him!), I put on all the lights and demanded he investigate my head. He felt it and told me it was probably a spot and rolled over and went immediately back to sleep again. Pleased for his genuine concern I stayed awake fretting about what it could be and how long I may have left to live. A SPOT, it covers most of my flipping head, surely it must be something much more serious than that. Well I hauled myself into work and told everyone about this tragic lump. There was more concern from colleagues in the office than I got from husband… exactly. Anyway, I left my lump, it is still there but less painful, so I will see whether the weekend (or husbands wallet) manages to clear it. Watch this space!