Sorted!

Having gone through the trauma of last week of finding out that the job I have worked so hard for could be disappearing, this week I have actually managed to smile. In fact, it has been quite enjoyable and despite how terrified I am about losing my job, the hatred, the anger and the tears have subsided (well maybe just a little remains) but I feel oddly mellowed if a bit ‘out of body’. It's like I am not really here and instead just peering down watching the play unfold. Bit like watching a soap opera except without the scandal of raunchy affairs… hmm, I hope I end up with the pretty boy at the end too!

Well only one more week to go and then I am off to Egypt to temporarily forget all my woes. I can’t wait. Sun, sea, sand and hotel sex, great!! Wonder whether I can manage to get through the entire cocktail list in one night again? I don’t remember much about how great that was the last time we there, but apparently I was helped back to the room by a slightly less drunk husband (at least that’s who I thought it was), and woke up in the same clothes (and shoes) I was ditched with on the bed. Whilst I am sure I had a good time in my pathetically feeble drunken state, my head was seriously telling me the next day that it was not a good idea. They do give you triple shots with everything, it’s pretty horrific and tastes disgusting, but after a few of those many things can pass my lips with limited challenge…

The Egypt holidays at this time every year are to mark our wedding anniversary which will now be our 5th year. How we made it this far without one argument or serious head injury I will never know. But we have and no complaints… well other than the typical men are from mars and women are from venus thing. We certainly have many differences and see, think and feel from completely different ends of the spectrum. It makes it interesting but also makes me contemplate whether being with the same sex would bring me less hassle. This is a conversation my husband enjoys having with me as I mull over the option quite innocently, but clearly he is approaching this conversation from a particularly different perspective. Whilst it might be something you muck about with in the uni days, a serious switching I don’t think he could ever convince me of, despite how bought in he seems to be to it! No honey!

Anyway, moving on from this the other immensely exciting activity I have been involved with in the last week is contending with a cat with bloody wee. Bloody wee all over my bloody house. Poor little boy, but I was not impressed. I took him straight to the vets knowing it was just cystitis thinking they will give him some miracle pink pills and all will be well again, but no. He has some dodgy bladder lining syringe type thing to put in food paste and some tranquilizers. Yep, tranquilizers! I didn’t think he was a crazy insomniac, I just thought he was a little stressed about something. It is a bit sad that I talk about my cat I know, but if you ever see a cat walking around the hood looking stoned, with braided fur and a Bob Marley hat, send him to me. It’s just Squeak!

This year hadn’t got off to a particularly great start and then suddenly after taking me 7 years to find a role, company and team I absolutely love, in one fair swoop the whole lot is gone. Sorry guys, the department is disappearing, your roles are totally diminishing so you’ve got 90 days, starting now…..

Oh shit. Whilst I knew something was coming, I didn’t quite realise it would be this big. So here we are, back to square one. OK am I worried about having to find a new job, no not particularly, there are thousands out there I am sure one of them would suit me if I am prepared to commute for hours (which I’m not), or do something I don’t really enjoy (coz I have a huge mortgage), but what about the team? It ain’t easy to find a whole group of people you completely fit with and more importantly a boss you actually enjoy working for. Unfortunately the general nature of many HR depts I have encountered is not always one of compassion and fun, instead is generally full of people too up their own arse to even give you a second look. So leaving what is an amazing team surprisingly in an HR dept just makes me feel sick. I will never find that again.

Following the news we all went to the pub and had a group cry which I started in a domino effect when one of my hiring managers called to say he had heard, what a great job I do and how much he would miss me if I left. I couldn’t contain myself and that was it. I’ve barely stopped crying since and whilst my husband is consoling me and telling me not to worry as I will find another position, he doesn’t quite understand that it’s not about that. It’s actually about the amazing people I am blessed to work with, they are not just colleagues, they are my friends.

There is something really quite sobering about trawling through job boards, reading crappy adverts written by half wits that you are now relying on to help you find the next step in your career. I’m sitting there updating my CV, registering, filling in applications when if I am completely honest my heart is just not in it. I can see myself coming up with a hundred excuses as to why the job being presented to me is not for me, because it isn’t what I have now, and just maybe there could be a way for me to stay. I really don’t want to leave, I don’t want to manage any other team than the one I have now and I don’t want to work for a different boss. I love my boss and one of the hardest things will be having to say goodbye to her and even leaving behind some of my team to continue working with her, which is too painful to even think about and so unfair. Maybe there will be a role for me, maybe not, but whatever happens it won’t be as it was… it was great. Thank you boss!

So it is that time of year, quarter, month, week, whatever, basically that time of year when performance reviews happen at work and everyone is blocked out for 2 weeks whilst these “quality conversations” take place. Of course this is just my boss’s polite way of saying “you are so gonna get it” which puts the fear of God in me. Of course I am naturally a great employee which she will undoubtedly agree with… ahem, nudge nudge. But still, there is that deep and meaningful “QC” that needs to take place so long as I can hold back the tears and keep the razors at bay… So you would think with this brewing in the background I might try and behave, offer to buy tea, lunch, massage… alright that might be taking it too far, but an element of bribery should perhaps be featuring by now maybe? Well it’s not and still I continue to wind the handle in annoyance and back chat which to be fair she probably gets enough of at home, but I don’t have such opportunity and she is the perfect target. Roll on the review that’s what I say, I’m not scared, bring it on…!

OK so my review pending (bricking it) and reviews to conduct on my own team you could say that this year so far has not got off to a great start. All these QC’s and challenging conversations I have already had, I’ve only been back a week from a lovely break and it’s a bit of slap in the face to be honest. To add insult to injury I also offered to take some psychometric tests to try out a new recruitment process and get some feedback – as clearly I am lacking this at the minute. So now I have to go through some rather embarrassing public humiliation whilst my peers find out what a complete nut and dim wit I really am. They already knew that, it’s pretty obvious and I don’t try to hide it, but now it will be official, with an occupational psychologist stamp and everything. Alright, I am not a Head of Dept, and this will only go to prove that I am a substantial way off. Not sure 7 years work experience, no confidence and an attitude would qualify me anyway, but this will be the final nail in the coffin. Might go prepared with my P45 to save time on the way out!

Keeping to the work and psycho type theme, I got yet another call from my previous stalking ex-boss over Christmas. He was the one that was always a little over familiar, a bit ‘hands on’ and a little too keen on giving incredibly cutting and negative feedback that served no purpose than to magnify his perception of the size of his own tool. So in this phone call whilst I was off enjoying some alone time, he poured his heart out and spent 20 minutes blubbering on about how his girlfriend has cheated on him. All I could think at this point was that I was glad he was hurting, how shit it is to be on the receiving end of awful behaviour and go tell someone who cares. I didn’t say that obviously, but I really did have to contain myself. I did well to ignore the whining until I thought I should listen for a few minutes and then couldn’t help but feel sorry for what a sad and lonely life this man now leads. I feel bad that he is just one of life’s true losers. I’m not the most forgiving of people, or at least I can forgive a little, but I will never forget.

So after the blubbering and the feeling sorry for himself we ended the conversation. I received numerous texts from him and a number of phone calls over the next few days that I couldn’t ignore anymore, so I agreed to go and see him. We met at his house, where he blubbered again and felt even sorrier for himself whilst I took some pleasure in seeing this. Sadistic you might say, take pleasure at another man’s pain… absolutely! About time he got a taste of his own medicine. He has probably caused more psychological bruising to me in the last year I worked for him than I would care to truly acknowledge. This probably also extends to every other woman that has worked for him since. So the benefit for any kind of visit of this nature is that no matter how you may be feeling about your own life at that point in time, there is always someone living a much sadder self inflicted existence, wallowing in their own self loathing. Whilst unbelievably a part of me still really cares about this man, I couldn’t help feeling just a little teensy bit smug on my departure!