Well I guess we all need these. I’m not talking about the irritating loud music that bellows at 5.45am every morning bringing in swarms (or gaggle not sure of the correct term!) of cats onto our bed in excited anticipation of them being fed before we get ready for work. No, I’m talking about wake up calls in the context of work.

Every now again I need a bit of a kicking, OK, gentle prod. I’m only human and I’d like to think that I’m not the only one, but it is review time and I need it. I admit that sometimes my confidence does plummet, though I have no idea what the triggers are and on occasions I need reassurance. I do like to feel I’m loved sometimes, except when I’ve got a headache! But here I am, I’m getting what I need and will pick myself up. I have to stop stressing about my personal life and taking it to work. This in itself I can normally do and while I managed to park one of my personal concerns for another day, a reminder of times I would love to forget came back.

I went on a dignity at work course. Not because I have no dignity obviously… Daniel took that! I wanted a refresher. I went along looking forward to doing something different and hearing about some interesting cases and then something happened… we got onto bullying and sexual harassment and all these terrible memories from my last boss came flooding back. For every case example the trainer gave I had one just as bad. If only I had the benefit of HR or someone to turn to for support. What do you do when it was the MD doing all these things, the person you are meant to look up to, the person you want most to learn from and be like… what then? Why couldn’t I just have walked away sooner, why didn’t I have the courage to face up to it directly, why was I so withdrawn and quiet about it? How dare he take away my confidence and make me work in such a fearful environment. Who the hell did he think he was?

I’m not one to hold a grudge, actually that is a complete lie, I do hold grudges though really only two; one against this man and more importantly against myself for letting myself down. That’s right, I hold a grudge against myself. How ridiculous. I was far better than that, I was good at my job, I was better at his job, I was the shoulder for everyone else being shouted at and humiliated and I kept his business afloat while he was off cheating on his wife. The one thing he used to say that would make me cringe more than anything was the consideration that I was “his right hand.” Gross, there’s no f*cking way you’re having any hand was my usual thought! It wasn’t meant in that context…. but based on his behaviour anything he said usually had a dual meaning and meant jack shit.

To this day I still kick myself about not being stronger to deal with it sooner. I dealt with it in the end and left to join the company I love today. And when I hear the same things come up about what I need to improve I could just kick myself for letting my confidence slip and my voice disappear, I owe myself much more than to stagnate and not grow. It’s all my fault and I need to change, so I will, I promise.

So after a day of depressing reminders, and forgetting my parents anniversary (it’s been a really bad week!), I went to my best friends for dinner. She is so great, she always knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh. She knows everything about me it’s quite frightening how much we share, especially the love for Dolly Parton! There aren’t many people I can share that with that’s for sure!